life is hard, oh my God it’s hard. And it has been especially hard for you these past few years. I know that it’s confusing that mommy and daddy aren’t together any more. I know that you see the goods and bads in both of our parenting and just being human. I know that things are said that are confusing and make you want your mommy and daddy back together. I wish I could fix it. I wish that he and I could respect and love one another for who we are. I wish that it wasn’t so bad that being together wouldn’t actually be more detrimental to your health and well-being than us being apart.
I do know though that I have failed really bad lately. We talked about it this weekend but you had shut down on me for the past month or so. You refuse to talk to me or tell me anything. I am harsh with you and short. While we talked about it, I realized that I haven’t spent any quality time with you. You are generally with your daddy on the weekends so the only time that I have with you is waking you up, rush rush, rush, getting you to school, picking you up, taking you to this and that, making dinner and putting you to bed. I asked you if that is what is wrong and you completely broke down crying saying, “Mommy, I miss you.” You cried and buried your head in my shoulder. I cried too but you didn’t see it. I texted daddy immediately to tell him that we needed to spend some time together. The next day was Friday. I picked you up from school and your little sis stayed with Gramma. We drove around a little bit and then ended up just getting some tacos and a Gatorade. We talked about school and dance a little bit. You bounced around and danced in the aisles. Later, we went to dinner with Gramma and sis then I took you girls to the trampoline park. Saturday, we agreed that it would be nice to not go anywhere but sleep in and hang out at home. You flipped the bacon for me and I made some eggs for a nice breakfast.
I am sorry that I have been so focused on my goals and treating you girls like an inconvenience. I want to build a solid career in order to buy a house for us so badly that I sometimes forget to live in the moment. I get consumed with the dream of a place where we can have an animal and can be our own. No one can tell us our lease is up and make us leave, year after year. I hope and pray that your life will have some consistency sooner than later. But until that happens, I can still create stability for you and give you a peaceful home. You are amazing, and smart, and strong. Goodness, you have the strongest heart I’ve ever seen from a young girl, way stronger than mine was. You understand things at a deep level and care.
I also know that grandpa’s sickness has been hard for you. I hope and pray that he can be better so that he will be able to emotionally connect and truly care.
You are doing great, Little Leiana. I am looking forward to your continued affect on the world.